so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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