Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize