so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
