u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
