Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize