We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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