Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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