I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
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