ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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