Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
