feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
