My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
