literally had 100 drinks last night.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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