i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
