He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
