i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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