Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
