Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So much Jack, so little girl.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize