Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
