Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
