I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
