weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
