The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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