I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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