The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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