i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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