just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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