Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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