I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
