hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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