i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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