this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
