Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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