He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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