today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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