Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
