and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Boobs speak an international language.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
sex in a hospital.. check
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
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