Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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