I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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