I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
