Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
