I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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