Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
