girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
