I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
