I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
