a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
