my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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