WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
