Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
