Don't make out with my wife yet
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
There's always time for handjobs
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
