and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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