He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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