I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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