I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
